God Of Nothing

Life, The Universe, and Everything…

I am Wolf…

I am Wolf

By Wolf Scott

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I am Wolf.

I am the beast that would destroy you.  I am the darkness in the shadows.  I am the one who feeds on you more deeply than any other creature of the night.  I am forever eternal, though I do not remember when life first came to me or how my existence began.  I remember only her and how she loved me.  I remember finding her after long silence in my life, but I did not know loneliness until her presence in my life, for when she was not there I truly, felt loneliness, as if God himself had left me alone to die.

It was she, so long ago that found me, naked, cold, and near death on the forest floor.  Injured by a would-be assassin who thought me werewolf.  I spared his life only because he had wounded me too deeply.  She took me in, cleaned and wrapped my wounds, and fed me.  She watched over me, keeping me near the fire, and never thought once that I might bite or hurt her.

I would watch her, as she did her chores in her home, a small room made of sod and thatch roof.  In all my time, I had never seen a woman so beautiful, so wondrously beautiful. I could rarely take my eyes from her as I was so captivated by her. I wondered how she found herself here, so far into the forest, with no man present to care for her.  Later, when I was able to walk, I found my answers outside in three burial mounds.  She had had a man, and children.  Her thoughts told me that they were killed by a large bear in a sudden attack.  She had had no where to go, so she stayed here, caring for herself, and for me.  I soon came to love and care for her as she did me and when I was healed, I would go hunting and bring her food.  She would gently caress my head and ears and tell me what a wonderful wolf I was.

She was the first to show me love when Angels and Demons both cast me aside.  Though a part of this world and others, I am an aberration.  I do not belong to Heaven or Hell. There are stories of my kind and how once we were in God’s grace but failed him and were cast out of Heaven. Like the Grigori, though they had the honor to be imprisoned in Heaven.  And unlike other creatures of the night, the vampire, the werewolf, the warlock, and so many others, I seem to have no purpose.  I hunt like the vampire, though it is the human essence I take in, not their precious blood.  And though, I can take the form of the wolf, it is not the only form I can take.  Then there is my magic, strange powers to move through space and time, to see tomorrow as clearly as yesterday.  I think it strange that for all the inexplicable things I can do, I am still the predator, hunting for prey.  Yet, she loved me, cared for me.

In return for her love and charity, I decided I would give to her all that she had given me.  But in my current state, I was too weak, for the essence of animals does not feed my hunger as does humans.  For her kindness, I would not feed on her either.  I could not destroy her.  I would not.

It was a cold rainy night.  Thunder crashed and lightening brilliantly lit the night sky in vibrant flashes of sudden daylight.  I pushed my way out the old wooden door, growling.  She called for me.  Her soft voice, fearful, yelling the name she had given me, the name she would call me throughout time.  I did not return that night.  Instead, I hunted, across time and space.  I fed and regained my strength.  The following day, I found myself standing as a man before her home.

She looked at me, examining me.  She showed no fear of this stranger standing before her.  “Hello my Wolf.”  She said, recognizing me for who I was.  I did not question how she knew me.  Her words gave me the answer when she saw the expression on my face.  “I would know you in any form Wolf.  It’s in your eyes, your dark, predator eyes.”

“And you do not fear me?  What I am?”  I asked, hesitant to step closer, though wanting to.  Wanting to hold her in my arms.

She smiled, stepping closer to caress my cheek.  “You have not hurt me yet.  I do not believe you will.  No matter what sort of creature you may be.”

“No, I will not harm you.”  I confirmed, still hesitant.  “You are the first to show me love and tenderness beyond anything I have ever known.  To harm you would be to harm myself.”

“You are better now.”  She said, still stroking my cheek.  “Are you here to say good-bye?”  Though she hid it well, her heart filled with sadness at the thought of my departure.

I smiled, looking down into her dark green eyes.  “I would stay if you would have me in this form.”

“I would love you to stay.”  She said without hesitation.  I took her into my arms, holding her close.  Our lips met, and I found home in that moment, for her kiss would become something so familiar, that I would know it always, until this very moment.

In the following days, I told her all that I could remember of myself, of my existence, everything.  She took it all in, never once showing fear of the creature I am.  Still she continued to show me the love and tenderness I had never experienced.  We loved deeply in each other’s arms.  She taught me how to love and I taught her all that I knew about the universe.

It was not an easy life to live there with her but I found it to be truly without compare. I hunted for our food.  I learned to plow and sow seed. Our long days spent together.  Our long nights I’d find her in my arms and awaken in the morning with her beside me.  I grew to love her more completely than I could possibly imagine. And in time, we grew old.

It was a warm summer evening.  I had carried her outside, wrapped in a worn blanket.  We watched the sun settle beyond the mountains in spectacular colour.  In the growing darkness, she turned to me, softly stroked my cheek and spoke.  “I am leaving soon.”  Her voice, though strained from age, still provoked an intense thunder in my heart.

“Don’t leave.  Don’t go.”  I said trying to stop the tears from bursting from my eyes. Even a creature such as I can feel the terrible sorrow and anguish of losing a loved one.  I knew the way of life and death.  I knew God had smiled on me for giving me this time with her for so long, but I was not prepared to lose her.

I never am.

“I must.”  She said, smiling.  “You have taught me of God so I am not afraid.  I know in time we will meet again.  I will wait for you.”

“I can not follow you where you are going.”  I said, my tears betraying me, falling down my face.  She gently wiped them away with her small frail fingers.

“Then I will come back for you.”  Her voice seemed young again and for a moment, she was as I saw her so long ago, youthful and full of life.  But life was escaping her and soon I would be alone, without her love.  “Wolf, I love you.” She continued.  “Find me again.  It may take time, but find me again.”

“I love you too.”  I said, my words trapped between murmurs of quiet crying.

I whispered her name.

She smiled and was gone.

.

I was alone and without her love.  For a time, I became a madden creature, shedding my human form for the more familiar wolf.  I traveled the countryside at night, and sometimes by day, in search of my prey.  Often, in my crazed state, I would leave my victim’s half-dead or dying, my hunger so endless.  My loneliness so absolute, that I cared not for the lives of others or even myself.  My hunting sparked rumors and tales of the beast living in the forest. By day, eager young men would hunt for me but they never found me.  Had they search the darkness they may have found me, for every night I would return to her grave and rest, awaiting her.  But she did not come.

In time, my madness subsided and I began to crave the company of others.  I ventured again out into the world.  Twelve generations of man had come and gone since I had lost my love, but the world still seemed new to me.  For me there were no boundaries, and humans were teeming with life.  I drank of my poison until drunk, though I never killed again.  I began to enjoy life again, slowly.  I took my enjoyment in tormenting other creatures of the night.  I would fowl the vampires, playing games with them, leaving their would-be victims half drained of their life-force which makes the blood taste bitter and sours their appetites.  I would wreak havoc on the demons, fighting them when they tempted the feeble humans.

It was during this time that I met Menmornoch, an odd and elusive little demon, whose sole purpose is to place doubts in the hearts and minds of humans and steals emotions.  I became obsessed with hunting it, wanting to destroy it.  Always it would elude me, even after long hours of battle.  I could rip its heavy, leathery wings, tear its hard, thick skin, and once I almost took off its fox-like head, but to no avail, it would always escape me.  Over time we became great enemies and as my enemy, he would later come to haunt me and then destroy me.

It was a late January evening with snow covering the ground like a freshly washed blanket.  Again, I was on the prowl for Menmornoch, thinking that tonight I would prevail over him.  Suddenly, I was distracted, a scent in the air, a scent so familiar my heart jumped, skipping beats.  I had not realized that souls have scents, that they could be detected by my keenly sharpened sense of smell.  In my wolf form, my senses are tenfold that of my human form.  I could smell her.

I whispered her name.

The very thought that she was so close pulled at my heart.  I felt exhilaration, yet my body froze in my crouched position.  I scanned the landscape in all directions, no humans.  The nearby houses would have them inside trying to keep warm from the cold wind outside.  I moved quickly, following her scent.  My mind and heart lost in it.  Like a frenzied shark, I was caught up in her.  Finally, I found her. Immediately, I took another form, that of the breeze.  I moved into the modest cottage through the cracks under the door.  Floating above her, I watched, felt her warmth and knew I was home again.

In this life she was a young woman, living with her parents and siblings.  For days I watched her, as she slept, as she interacted with her parents, her siblings.  I would visit her in her dreams and relive the past, for in her dreams she remembered me.  She would wake up in the morning with only a vague, but wondrous memory of a dream she could not quite remember.  I devoted entire nights to her, only hunting when my hunger became too much.

Finally, one early morning, I found the courage to show myself.  She ventured out to do her morning chores.  A distance away, at the edge of the wood, I took form.  Watching her from wolf’s eyes.  She caught sight of me.  At first she froze, cautious of the silvery-white beast that stood before her.  Our eyes met and she found comfort.  Slowly, she moved closer, one step at a time, sometimes crouching down on one knee, perhaps to get a better view.  I stood solid, hoping, even praying that she would come close enough to touch me, to caress my thick winter fur.  Moments seemed to last an eternity, but she made her way until she was close enough to me that I could feel her heart pounding.

“Hello Wolf.”  Her voice sang to me like Angels in God’s choir.  I was not sure if she was calling me by name or if she was calling me by what she saw.  But she continued.  “Are you the one visiting me while I sleep?”

Cautiously, I took a step closer, hoping not to frighten her.  I lowered my head but dared not answer.

“As I thought.”  She whispered.  “I’ve waited a long time for you.  I was afraid you wouldn’t find me.”  She waited in silence, waiting for my words, but none came.  “Are you not going to speak to me, not even a growl?”

“I will speak with you.”  I said, my heart trembling, my words almost lost to the wind.

“Come closer.”  And slowly I did, until her soft hand brushed my coat.   Something passed between us and I was home again.  Her touch so wondrous, so amazing, it took me back to the forest where I had first found her love.  I could do nothing more but look into her eyes, her soft green eyes.  And again, I felt her love.

“You come to me as a wolf.”

“Yes.”   I answered, my mind still lost to the madness of my heart.  It was the most I could say.  The most I could form into a word.

“Come to me as a man so that I may love you again.”  And I did.

Months later we were married.  We began to make a life for ourselves.  But unknown to me as I was too lost in these reborn emotions to notice, Menmornoch had been watching and while we slept, he crept in.  He would place doubt in her heart and her thoughts. He would steal her emotions and cause her to awake loving me less and less.  I would battle with him, chasing him away until finally he came no more.  Looking back I was lucky, God smiled on me again.  I was able to save her from her doubts, the doubts Menmornoch had placed deep inside her.  And she was able to recapture those lost emotions of love that I so deeply desired.

Again we grew old together.  We shared our life.  We made children.  We loved, more than any others we loved.  Eventually she was taken away from me again, dying in my arms as she did long ago watching the sun settle on the horizon.  This time, I knew she would return, so I looked for her.

I found her, many times I found her, and many times we shared our lives.  Her love would become my only reason for living.  Each time she died, I would die too, not a death of the flesh, but a death of the heart.  The loneliness would kill me inside and though I knew I could find her again, that time without her would fall ruin upon me.  But finding her again would awaken our love, and my devotion to her would be renewed, like the soft petals of a rose opening for the first time since the last winter frost.

There were times though when it would take longer to find her and I discovered that the older she was, the less she remembered, as is with humans.  Their minds are hampered by the present and they forget so much, so quickly.  I discovered that if I found her as a child, or even a young woman, she would still remember the love we have shared.  I would be able to regain her love and tenderness as easily as reaching out to a friend to shake hands.  However, finding her as an older woman would be finding her in doubt of who I am and what my intentions might be.  During these times, Menmornoch, as well as a host of other creatures, would have adequate time to steal away her memories of me, the emotions of love and trust, and everything that I had meant to her.  He could lay doubt in her, playing on the life she lived and all that she experienced.  Most often it would be difficult to reawaken her love.  I would fight Menmornoch until he was too injured to return, and I would chase off any other creature that would threaten our love.  In all instances, I would prevail, our love would be reborn and we would spend life together.

This last time I was without her I tried something different.  Instead of falling victim to my loneliness, I explored myself.  I learned that there was more to me than I had imagined.  My abilities had grown over time, even though I had practiced them less often.  Also, I discovered I had abilities I never knew I had.  I could not only take the form of humans, but I found I could take the body of humans and when I did this, I became just as human as any other.  I could bleed, I could be hurt, and perhaps I could even die.  And so, I searched the future, finding her, finding her location, finding the very moment when someone might stumble upon her.  Then I searched back, finding the one life that would touch hers the most.  A small child, dying, unknown to all who loved him.  I waited until he was gone, then embedded myself into his body.  For the first time, I knew life as a human man.  Growing up a child, having fears, having hopes as humans do.  I learned that we are not altogether different, humans and my kind.

The future is a strange game.  Choices can be made, changes take place, the flow of time alters and leads you in another direction.  I had done my best to choose this child, who would lead me to her, but choice and change became inevitable and I was lost to her.  I did my best to change the world, using all my power, though much limited in this human body, to bring me back to her.

Late I was.  She had grown too old to remember anything more than a connection between us, and even that was something less than what was salvageable.  Yes, she remembered my name and calls me that often.  She still sees my predator eyes.  She still loves me…but it is not the love we shared.  She can not find it in her, though she tried.  Menmornoch had taken too much from her, had caused too much doubt.  In my human state, I could not watch over her as I had in the past, as I was left to my own life.  Even life has taken its toll on her and she finds more pleasure being without such things as the love we once shared.   There is nothing I can do.  I can not change her.  I can only hope that in time, she will remember who we are and pray that she has not outgrown me.

Nightly, I watch over her, perched high in her bedchamber or resting my head next to hers looking at her through wolf’s eyes, protecting her from Menmornoch and any other night creature that might come upon her to take whatever they wish.  But I wonder if I battle Menmornoch and all others in vain.  Is my quest for her love fruitless?  Do I give my all for nothing more than a life without her?  She is my water, my air.  She is the sustenance that allows me life, allows my heart to beat, my lungs to fill.  I know I would give my entire existence to keep her from harm.  I know that I am thankful of God for each moment I have shared with her.

Yet, still I wonder if I will find her again.  I wonder if living in this human body will allow me the honor of death.  And I wonder if she will remember me again in another time.

.

“It is a strange story, to say the least.”  He says, looking oddly at me.   “I have great faith that there are things we can’t explain, things we don’t understand, creatures we don’t see because of our limited minds.  If it were anyone else telling me this, I know I would not believe them. I’m not sure I do you.  And I don’t understand why you would tell me such a thing.  Even if it is true.”

“In this life, you have been my closest and best friend and that is why I tell you.”  I started, finding my words carefully.  “I know you have found things about me that you can not explain.  I hope this will explain my strange abilities to see the future, to know things that perhaps I should not.”  I stop, taking a cigarette from his pack and light it.  Slowly I puff it to life, watching the tip burn.  I continue.  “I still have several of the same attributes I had before I took this human body.  I still need to feed and until just a week ago, I was surviving on her alone.”

“I thought you said that you did not feed on her.”  He pointed out.

I took another drag from the cigarette, letting the smoke out slowly in a graceful dance around my face.  “Three lifetimes ago, Menmornoch attacked us as we slept.  I was injured badly, weakened, and unable to hunt.  In an attempt to save me, she allowed me her essence, offering me the sweet nectar of her life.  Because of this, I regained my strength and was able to fend off Menmornoch’s next attack.  She made me promise never to feed on anyone else as long as I was with her or knew where she was.  For my love of her, I hold that promise dear to my heart.”

“So you don’t feed on her anymore?”  He says, lighting one of his cigarettes.

“No.”  I tap off the ashes and watch them hit the ground.  “It has always been something she has offered, of her own free will.  It is something I will not take from her.  If I were to do that, in the end, I would destroy her.  I would truly be the beast that I am.  A shadow of everything she has inspired me to be.  I can’t do that to her. I would rather burn in Hell.”

“So what happens if you don’t feed?”  He asks, the concern in his voice true as any close friend.

“I am not sure.”  I say, absently rolling the cigarette between my fingers.  “There are many creatures like me but none have ever stopped feeding.  I would like to think that we die, and perhaps make our way home.  But I do not know.”

“Well, you have changed a bit lately.”  He says, pointing a finger from across the table.  “You’ve lost weight, you have dark circles around your eyes and you look pretty sickly.”  Were these words to come from anyone else, I might have taken offense but a true friend speaks the truth with honesty and never holds back.  I almost smile at this.  He continues.  “I’ve never seen you this way, it makes me worry.”

“Thank you, but there is nothing to worry about.”  I reassure though I feel just as worried.

“So what will you do about her?”  He asks, lifting his glass to drink.

“I wait.”  I say, dropping the cigarette to the ground.  “I wait with the hope that she will remember.  And if she does not, then I wait to die.  Either way, I wait by her side.”

“Not a very fulfilling life and you’re still a fairly young man.”  He says, setting down the half empty glass, swishing around the ice absently.  “How will you survive that?  I’m not sure I could live that way, by her side, feeling about her the way you do and never having her.  I could not do that.”

“Dante’s Inferno, I think something Lucifer said.  ‘It is far better the rule in Hell, than to serve in Heaven.’  I find it better to have her in any way than in no way at all.”  It is a truth as well as a lie.  I’m not sure I can do it either, and I wonder how I will survive without her love, without her touch, without her sweet kiss.  But my heart gives me no choice, and until she wishes me elsewhere, I know I will be by her side until the moment I die, if God allows Death to take me.  “It is how Menmornoch has destroyed me.” I add, an afterthought that crept in as realization.

“I admire your love for her.  I wish that I could find someone to captivate me in such a way, to provoke my heart as she does yours.  I’ve never seen you this way about anyone or anything, never so passionate.  If your love is eternal, then perhaps God will bring her to you again, perhaps in this lifetime.  I hope for your sake that he does.  And if He does not, then I hope you can forget her and all that she means to you.”  He taps out his cigarette.

“I can not forget…” I say, tears welling up in human eyes.  “…Bella”

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Wolf Scott © 2002

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Notes:  I wrote this on request in about three hours in the summer of 2002.  The requester asked only to write a story about Wolf and Bella. Wolf being me and Bella is the nickname I gave the requester when I met her because she reminded me of a woman I frequestly dream about, also named Bella.   I am Wolf  has never been published or printed anywhere, but I decided I would put it here after re-reading it recently and at the suggestion of two friends.  I hope you enjoy it.

This story may not be reprinted, copied, transferred, reposted, or otherwise used in part or in whole in any way whatsoever, without the permission of the author.  For permission to use this story, either in part or in whole, please contact Wolf Scott via the comments section below. Thank you.

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3 Comments »

  1. So much of what I feel, daily is wrapped up in your words, my Friend…. I loved it, I want to quote it, & I am sharing it!!

    Comment by dpicarella | September 25, 2012 | Reply

  2. You write beautiful prose. BW

    Comment by klippsjournal | October 17, 2012 | Reply


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